Sunday, February 10, 2008
Ups and Downs...
This week has been a giant rollercoaster for all of us. Now I remember why I don’t go on rides at theme parks. They make me dizzy. They give me an out of body experience that I don’t enjoy, and I usually end up sick to my stomach. Yep, that pretty much sums up my week.
I feel helpless. That is the worst part. There is nothing I can do to make things better. When I find my mom lying on the couch in a dark room, re-reading my dad’s less than impressive pathology report, and trying to look up what every word means on the computer…I get sad. I know she is just trying to be proactive and prepared for what is yet to come so it’s difficult for me to tell her not to. There is nothing I can do to make things better. I can simply turn on the lights, dry her tears, and wrap my arms around her. There are no words which can suddenly make things ok. What do you tell someone who feels like they are living inside an hourglass, watching the sand fall faster than they would like? I’ve had discussions with my mom this week that absolutely break my heart. It has got to be exhausting to be so upbeat and optimistic all the time. I don’t think I could do. In fact, I know I couldn’t. I am always telling her that it’s ok to be mad. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to feel down for a while… as long as you allow yourself to get back up.
So, as we begin a new week and all of the dust has begun to settle, we will pick up the pieces that are left of our breaking hearts and get back out there. Time is too precious to waste thinking about past test results, or the things we cannot change. My dad is strong, and stubborn and he has too much to live for. This is just another big bump in the detour we were given.
Unfortunately, life seems to have become a waiting game. Whether it’s waiting for the next scan, or waiting to see if the next chemo cocktail will work, it’s all about waiting. I’ve never been a very patient person. I’ve never enjoyed “waiting” for anything. Now, waiting has taken on a whole new meaning. I don’t enjoy waiting for test results, but I have become much more patient and appreciative of the time we have been given. As long as we are waiting on something, there is hope, and having hope is half the battle.
Luckily rollercoasters have highs as well as lows. I'm sure there is a high right around the corner.
Dizzy, Nauseous, and ready to get off the Rollercoaster-
Posted by Doreen at 4:07 PM