I'm not sure what's keeping me awake. As tired as I was when I got home, you'd think I would have been asleep before dinner. Oh, my brain is tired...my heart just won't let me close my eyes.
Today I saw an aquaintance who looked great and is currently being treated for breast cancer. She told me how she had just been on a ferry ride and while she looked around she noticed that she was the only one on board who was wearing a wig. All the other passengers had hair that was blowing in the wind. She was happy to report however, that the doctor's have given her a 90+ percent chance of a cure. I'm thrilled for her progress. Though she still has a long road to travel before she is feeling like her old self again, I believe she is going to beat this.
Then I felt jealous. I thought, I just want the opportunity to have something removed, or my hair to fall out, or to feel sick...I keep thinking, if there is no pain...how can there be gain? I know that's not really the case, but it's hard for me to imagine that an expensive little pill is doing it all. The proof is in how I've been feeling (which is great) and I know that should be enough, but lately...I need more. I need miracles. I need to meet other women like me who are beating this thing and don't feel sick in the process. I need gentle reminders of hope.
Ok, I know what I really need. I need sleep. I'm going to bed now.
And, I just remembered...All you need is LOVE. What was I thinking?
Dreaming of miracles,
Dor
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The first time that I played my "trumpet" lips for my mom I played the Beatles "All you need is love..." so when she ended this letter with that comment about needing love I had no choice but to play the trumpet right here at my computer. I have a feeling that I will do that for the rest of my life when I hear that song or that phrase.
Mom, I totally understand what you mean about needing some hope right now. I would love to hear from a few people who are in your situation. Maybe you should contact other people that are currently patients at the Cancer Care Alliance and see about putting together a support group.
Missing you,
AJ
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