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On the journey back home tonight I was thinking about how we've become so accustomed to the 3 hour drive across the mountains. I used to whine about it, are we there yet? Now I have little things I look for. The crooked barn near Ellensburg that Rick's complains about every time we get near it, or the North Bend Outlet Mall that he asks me if I want to stop (right after we pass the exit), or the hill we come down right before we cross the Vantage Bridge over the Columbia River. I can close my eyes and the thought of each of those, makes me smile. Desert Aire, our home away from home, gives us a reprieve from the real life we live at home in Stanwood, where pill bottles fill baskets and the counter always has an itinerary from Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, an explanation of benefits from Regence, or a bill. Where did our "normal life" go? I want it back!

Rick and I had barely walked in the house and were putting things away when I had a meltdown. I started to weep about all the unknown things I'd forgotten to ask Dr. Eaton about 10 days ago. (very un-productive meltdown if you don't really know what you're melting about). Rick held me while I sobbed, I got mascara all over his shirt, then he reminded me how much I'm loved. I'm better now. I'm going to make a list for Dr. Eaton, then call him. He always tells me to call if I need to. I think after tonight, I need to. I believe this is my first step out of the pit I'd like to call, Denial.

I was reading my CURE magazine today and I came across a very powerful message. As a survivor, I need to be aware of dying but fully engage in living.

Keep dreaming big,
Dor