All of what Amy said, happened. Now let me tell you what I'm feeling.
Yesterday was just "another" doctor's visit. I got up early, tried to look pretty for the photos Angie would be taking for the slide show, remembered I should have gotten gas before I left for Seattle, hoped I had enough cash in my wallet for parking, remembered I couldn't eat or drink any thing for 4 hours before my scan...oh, yea I forgot I was having a scan. Before my scan, the nurse made me take off my underwire bra and I did a quick magic trick with it by pulling it out the side of my blouse without taking my top off. The nurse was very impressed. I laughed with Angie and Janeen in the cafeteria after the scan while we ate oatmeal and did sudoku puzzles. Then we went upstairs. The view was beautiful. Truly beautiful. The water was calm. The temp was in the mid 70's. I got a good parking spot. Then we saw Dr. Eaton.
After every scan or test I've ever had, Dr. Eaton has greeted me with a handshake or hug and "everything looked great or better or fantastic". Yesterday, Dr. Eaton didn't mention the scan when he walked through the door. He asked a few of the general questions, made me breathe deep, which made me cough so he left the room and got me a water. That's when I told Angie and Janeen something had changed. I felt it. When Dr. Eaton got back he took us into the room where we could watch the computer screen show images from prior scans until the current one. To the naked eye, you wouldn't notice a big difference. But that's why they don't pay us the big bucks. The CT scan techs circled 3 different spots and identified them as areas that had shown activity and growth. And that was it. We talked about possibilities, case scenarios, and how great it has been to go 16 months with pretty uneventful reports.
I look today, exactly like I've looked for the past year and a half (with some additional pounds which I may be needing). I'm still laughing. I'm still making people crazy. I'm still planning that 50th birthday party next May. I just know that inside there are some changes going on. Short of a miracle (which I'm still holding out for) I knew that a day like today would come. What isn't going to change is my attitude. What you won't see is a woman who throws in the towel. What you might see is a physical change. And for most of us, that is the hardest part.
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow where the "I love you more than Quilt" will be revealed at Bill and Jane Gum's house with lots of friends and family around. I've been a little emotional for this past day. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep it together tomorrow. But, don't count on it.
Dreaming Bigger than EVER...
Dor
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3 comments:
Doreen, can I just tell you that inspire me. You are one of those women in my life that I hope I can be even a fraction of when I grow up. I don't think I've ever been around when you didn't make me laugh at least once, and I've known you my whole life. I'm praying for wisdom for your doctors in this next phase, and I'm still praying for a miracle for you. Hugs and Loves from Auburn. -Anna H
Doreen, I don't know you but I read your blogs daily and pray for you nightly. I spent today with my large extended Italian family. One of my cousins had just celebrated her 70th birthday and she was so excited. 6 1/2 yrs ago she was given 6 months to live - she has leukemia. She is a miracle and you can be one too. She has been on and off chemo and the doctors have no words for her continued except it being a miracle. I will pray for that miracle for you.
Cathy Barry
Sweetie, you're already a miracle...just keep doing what you do! ;) Love you!
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