This is the third time that I have typed this message on the blog but I keep hitting the delete button. I dont want to tell sad stories and make people feel "sorry" for me or anyone else in my family. After thinking about it again this morning, I decided that I want to type the message again and this time hit the send button.
I was in Spokane this last weekend for a basketball officials camp. I had signed up for the camp back in February or March, well before mom got sick. As the camp approached, I felt guilty about attending it. I knew that I could not stop living my life just because mom was sick, but I also felt like I should be spending my summer vacation going on day trips with mom and enjoying her company. My friends Kevin and Glen talked me into going and told me it would be a great experience for me. I was learning a lot and having a great experience until Friday night when a camp evaluator encouraged me to attend a wonderful camp next summer in Seattle. For some reason, I lost it. I walked out of the Gonzaga University gymnasium and sat in the hallway crying. I had been strong for days, probably even for weeks without crying. But the unthinkable statistics about mom's cancer had obviously been floating around in my head and thinking about next summer was something that I hadnt done yet. I am living in the now because that is the only place to live. After I settled down, I did what I always do when I am having a hard time... I called mom. She quickly realized that I was upset (I'm not good at pretending). She told me that I must be doing a great job at camp if people were encouraging me to attend a try-out camp next year. That may have been true but I didnt want to think about the possibility of mom not being around to see it happen. She assured me that she has no intentions of going anywhere but more importantly she told me the four little words that will forever be in my head... "Honey, I believe in you". Right then and there I realized that mom will never be gone. She will always be the voice of reason in my head that is pushing me to pursue my dreams and follow my heart. She reminded me that she believes in me and that alone is enough.
I feel like the luckiest person in the world to call her "Mom".